Addicted to Dysfunction: Why Some People Struggle to Let Go of Anxiety and Depression

When we think of addiction, substances like drugs or alcohol often come to mind. However, addiction can take many forms, including an unexpected attachment to emotional states like anxiety, depression, or other forms of dysfunction. As paradoxical as it sounds, some people may unconsciously resist healing because they’ve become psychologically attached to their own suffering.

This isn’t to suggest that anyone chooses to be anxious or depressed, nor that their struggles aren’t valid. Instead, this phenomenon highlights the complex interplay between our emotions, identities, and behaviors, and how dysfunction can become a comfort zone even when it’s painful.

Understanding the Attachment to Dysfunction

1. Familiarity Breeds Comfort
   For individuals living with anxiety or depression, these emotions can become deeply ingrained. Over time, they may start to feel "normal," even if they’re distressing. The idea of change—stepping into the unknown—can feel scarier than staying in a familiar but dysfunctional pattern.

2. Identity and Self-Concept
   Chronic mental health challenges often shape how people see themselves. Phrases like "I’m just an anxious person" or "I’ve always been this way" become part of their identity. Letting go of dysfunction might feel like losing a part of who they are, leaving them wondering, If I’m not this, then who am I?

3. Secondary Gains
   While anxiety and depression bring pain, they can also come with unintended benefits, known as secondary gains. For instance:

   • Anxiety might justify avoidance of overwhelming responsibilities or challenging situations.

   • Depression might elicit sympathy, support, or understanding from others.

   • Dysfunction can provide a "valid reason" for not pursuing scary goals or taking risks.

4. Fear of Failure or Disappointment
   For some, the thought of trying to get better and failing feels unbearable. It’s easier to stay in the dysfunction than to risk taking steps toward healing and not succeeding.

5. Social Reinforcement
   Dysfunction can sometimes be reinforced by social dynamics. Friends and family might tiptoe around someone’s anxiety or depression, offering extra care or lowering expectations. While well-intentioned, this can unintentionally perpetuate the dysfunction by removing the need for change.

Why People Say They Want to Get Better But Resist Healing

Most people genuinely want to feel better, but resistance often lies beneath the surface, outside their conscious awareness. Here are a few common reasons for this inner conflict:

• Ambivalence: They may want the benefits of healing without the discomfort or effort involved in the process. Therapy, lifestyle changes, and facing fears require hard work that can feel overwhelming.

• Fear of Who They’ll Become: Healing can feel like stepping into a new and unfamiliar version of themselves. For someone whose identity has been shaped by their dysfunction, this can be unsettling.

• Emotional Avoidance: Letting go of dysfunction often requires addressing underlying pain, trauma, or unresolved emotions. This can feel scarier than staying in the dysfunction itself.

• Dependency: They may have become dependent on the support systems built around their dysfunction, fearing that healing will mean losing that safety net.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Move Forward

While the attachment to dysfunction is understandable, it’s not insurmountable. Here are some ways to work through this complex dynamic:

1. Awareness Is Key
   The first step is recognizing the patterns of resistance and the potential attachment to dysfunction. Journaling, therapy, or reflective conversations can help uncover hidden fears and motivations.

2. Explore Secondary Gains
   Working with a therapist, individuals can explore what benefits they might unconsciously be gaining from their anxiety or depression. Understanding these dynamics can help untangle them and find healthier ways to meet those needs.

3. Reframe Identity
   Healing often involves redefining oneself. Instead of seeing anxiety or depression as part of their identity, individuals can focus on broader, more empowering self-concepts, such as being resilient, curious, or adaptable.

4. Focus on Gradual Change
   The thought of “getting better” can feel overwhelming. Breaking the process into small, manageable steps can make healing feel less intimidating and more attainable.

5. Build a New Comfort Zone
   Replacing dysfunction with healthier habits, coping strategies, and relationships creates a new sense of normalcy. Over time, these positive changes can feel just as familiar and comfortable as the dysfunction once did.

6. Practice Self-Compassion
   It’s important to approach this process without judgment. Feeling resistant to healing doesn’t make someone “bad” or “lazy”—it’s simply a reflection of the complex ways our minds protect us.

A Compassionate Perspective

For therapists, loved ones, and individuals themselves, it’s essential to approach this dynamic with compassion. No one chooses to suffer, but the fear of stepping out of a familiar struggle can be paralyzing.

Understanding that someone might be unconsciously attached to their dysfunction helps create a safe space for honest dialogue and self-exploration. Healing isn’t just about overcoming anxiety or depression; it’s about building a life that feels worth living.

As paradoxical as it seems, letting go of dysfunction is often the hardest part of the journey—but it’s also where the most profound growth begins.